Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in kezdapunk's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, October 18th, 2006
10:32 pm	Fuck I am so angry with myself for rushing through things.I am sucha stresshead And my brother man,it makes me sooo angry that he might not be going in tommorrow and I cant be there to drive him cus Im doing other volunteer stufff instead. Im gona hurt david.I cant just keep myself to myself..ive gotta break some guys heart in the process..david,alex,darren,grant,rama,dean,andy..how many more guys must i go throu to find the right onw.. the one who i see acrocss the room and know i gota make an xcuse just to talk to him,thats how it felt like wif cody the only few guys ive ever really liked have been cardamone,cody and victor..and none of them were greatest lookers or anything..i sure he is out there.Maybe ill meet him in malta.Thats all I fucking need.But then again i could have an awesome fling or even fall in love man talk to much shit..shut up.. going now (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 21st, 2006
10:17 pm	FUCKEN HELL! How annoying I work out soo much I eat i get full..i continue eating and eating and eating and i cant stop which means everythin i just burnt off at the gym ive now gained back which means its a waste of time (Comment on this)
Friday, September 1st, 2006
10:26 pm	yooo YEAh i cant be bothered writing but had a good day at placement today in the youth detox.Am applyin for a job there and hopefully a casual position comes up.Am going to malta,excited by that,nearly completed this year and im excited by that,tafe is going good,after this weekend i wil be happy cus ill b heaps on track and then all i bloody need is to lsoe some godamm wieght (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
8:17 pm	Flashback Seeing Ricky on Australian Idol has absolutely made me flip.I miss Cody so much.What would we be doing right now? At his house,pigging out on junk food watching his brother sing on tv.Fuck it hurts.Specially since he looks so much like my little code. I think about it all and sure enough its been a good 13 mths since we split and things have changed alot.I have changed alot.BUT...if cody came round right now and said to me he missed me and wanted me back I would take him back.Still! What have I learnt? I am sad. Fuck it all. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 15th, 2006
9:09 pm	Where do i start... My moods just swung around completely.It is soo evil. I hate it. I feel like Alex. I did body combat class tonight,it was fucking awesome.I loved it. Tomoz im doing fitball and then body combat on thursday,they are the onli thing keeping me sane at the moment. Maybe going to malta in late Novemeber with Mum and other people.Depends if I make up my mind soon enough instead of piss farting around. I needa work on stuff like assignments and i gota resubmit advocacy,damm i dont wana talk (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 5th, 2006
5:06 pm	Not enough time Why do I feel there is just not enough time to do anything these days?? Cus there isnt. Placement is annoying me...actually change that..John and Justine are annoying me.I have had enough of them and I cant wait to go spend a few weeks at YOT without them! Havent heard from Christian,maybe his realised how much he dearly loves his fiance,I dunoo. Im over the male situation I have joined the gym,I needa get motivated.My spirits are soo low.I wish they were higher.Cant be fucked going to work tonight,dont really ahve a choice however,I dont feel all the best,tired,lethargic as per usual. Grumpy is a good word to describe me right now.Hoping I get a small function and im working with good people and dont have to put up with any crap from anyone tonight cus Ill just blast people. Meeting up with shureeka tomoz for coffee and later on with maurice,but gota dye mums hair in the morning and go to the solirium and make some time to read my policy notes before class.Fuck life is annoying right now.Fuck everything is just super pissing me off.I think ill finish early tonite,maybe bout 10-45 or 11ish if im lucky.That indian made my tummy ill.I AM NOT HAPPY! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006
5:40 pm	Things are so shit Placement shits me. Nah actually its John that shits me.Wat a waste of fucking time.Im gona speak to Marg about it.Hopefully when Lisa gets back it will be better orwe can sort something out.If things dont improve tommorrow I wont be happy.Ill ask John,hey give me sumthing to do,im bored.Even justine askes him and he says he can do it.Its fucked.Im not in the mood.Cant believe im crying (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 30th, 2006
9:10 pm	End it all Im so over this. Placement..school..work..males...food..wieght...exercise..self esteem FUCK it all. I duno whats gona happen when i go back to placement on tuesday After class tomoz im gona do sum shopping Go to keilor rd go to big w,buy some more files for my work, fUck Christian,fuck ALEX,fuck cody, fuck darren fuck em all.. fuck john and his stupid fucking crap supervising fuck stupid policy class so fuckin early in the morning fuck tryin to eat healthy and exericse fuck trying not to care that christian is gettin married fuck trying to find time to just relax and not have to worry about anything fuck trying to be happy all the fucking time fuck cody for fucking dumping me fuck my friends who dont give a damm fuck the fact that i cannot lose this wieght fuck the fact that i cant drink shitloads of wine and pass out anymore fuck the fact that coffee,peanuts,chocolate and lollies r evil fuck it all (Comment on this)
Friday, July 28th, 2006
5:05 pm	placement day 4 Spent alot of the morning doing nothing. I am not supposed to be doing nothing.I read stuff,wrote in my journal,got annoyed.Am upset now.Feel abit tired,start work in an hr and a half.Cant be fucked going,which is ususal.cant be fucked typing either.Needa shower,maybe that will wake me up,may have alay down for a half hr. (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 27th, 2006
10:21 pm	Placement day 3 Was better then yesterday,alot better,Felt more relaxed,spoke to more staff members and clients,it was good,I felt better about it all. Spoke to Darren aswell.he said my voice was cute.Christian told me there was sumthin bout me that attracted him towards me but not in that way.Yeah sure mate.Im not interested anymore anywaiz.Havent heard from Alex,guess my saturday night will be free unless sumone makes some plans.Going shopping wif mum and aunty on saturday but am goin to keilor rd saturday morning,sunday have that driving thingy to 4 and christos is comin over at night,gotta go to big w and buy another file for this years shit.Gotta work on my placement goals aswell.I feel sick man.I need to exercise and lose wieght. Today i was standing for a while.I was gettin dizzy like i do when i go in stand up,i had to sit down,i felt so sick. Meh another day... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 26th, 2006
9:47 pm	Placement,day 2 Going so slow. I don't know whats wrong with me. I feel so out of place,so young,so inexperienced,so naive and so unwanted. Thats becoz I am though. I have a right to feel this way. I don't want to go in tommorrow.I don't get it.This is the industry I wanna work in.Though I don't think I am capable of it.I enjoy the work though and I can see myself in that position in lets say 3 years time? But being there,I feel so out of place,so uncomfortable.I guess all of the students would be feeling like this but not feeling like they don't want to go in. Everyone is older,more wiser.They go out for lunch.I go and eat in the car saying I am meeting a friend.It is all so sad. I hate being told I look young.I don't wanna look 17 or 18.I wanna look 22.Makes me so angry.He goes along he merry way and Im there sittin,lookin like a dick cus I have nothing to do.Luckily Justine was there but for the next two days she wont be.I dont even know why Im going to go in on Friday for half a day,it will probably be a waste of time.Wont be doing anything.Not smart enough to be doing anything.I feel like a work experience student who can't be trusted to do anything.I am so not going to be able to fulfil these goals. Groupwork-conduct a group,help facilitate one...yeah right. Assess a client,make a care plan for them...sure! Havent heard from Alex.Bit sad.Guess i didnt make such a good impression.Havent heard from daz,thats fair enough.Christian calls me every day just as his finishing work,says he will call me later but never does. Starting to eat again.I love peanuts and lollies but they will b the death of me.I miss being happy and I hate feeling the way Im feeling.I really do not want to go in tommorrow. (Comment on this)
Monday, July 24th, 2006
10:24 am	Placement Am I supposed to be calm today? Cus guess what IM NOT!!! Fuck.I am so nervous,scared,excited,stressed, So many mixed emotiond all at once. I duno what to expect.I duno what its going to be like,the people,the places,the staff,the clients..all of them..This is like something Ive wanted to do for the past 2 years and now finally...I AM DOING IT!!! So if it doesnt turn out how I hoped it would,its going to be a big turn around me for.Ill either love it or hate it,It'll make me or break me. Stuff on my to do list today. Well I gotta go down to Kielor again,Gotta go to my brothers house tonite for my newphews 2nd birthday and gotta buy a new bag for placement.Read thru the stuff I need to know.And redo my learning goals.Obviously case management will be pretty high on my list and counselling down low.But I guess I cant change much til I get there and decide what it is that I need to work on.Then I can do my learning calls on the weekend and make an appointment for Marg to come in and see me. So freaking out,the next 3 months will be soo fucking tough and Im looking forward to NOT having any free time..Yeah sure I am,you hear the sarcasm in that statement. Spoke to this guy Alex on the net yesterday.He lives not far from me,bout a 20 minute drive.His 23 but he was soo mature.LOl,like u can tell that stuff over the net,right Kel.Anywaiz...Onto the point we clicked as in,talked,and chatted for ages,it was good,not all stupid net talk stuff,and we plan to meet up.I know-how quick yeah...but I dont feel I have anything to lose.His 23 and his maco.Lol.But for a 23 year old he seems like he has a good head on his shoulders,plus if we meet,we meet in public and nothing can happen that way. Anyhows my wieght has gone down to 50.I cant even tell.My clothes are looser then before but my body looks the same.Thighs,hips,stomach,yeah there all still there unfortunately.My bum has lost the wieght again.So no bum again.Sheri wont be impressed. Havent heard from Christian.Im expecting to hear from him tonight though after work.As per usual,if not,oh well.And Darren,tis been about 4 days since I last got a message from here.Thank FUCKING god. My left arm is pretty much fucked,so is my wrist and its gone all the way up to my shoulders neck and back.Fucking stupid job.I really need to fuck it off.I dont think Im going to be able to keep up. Placement-four days a week,class one day,work two nites a week,study,volunteer work...Now where was my free time again?? Anyhows if I sit here and think about my fucked up life I wont get anywhere.And i refuse to quit my job until i start back at my other one so unfortunately that means another 3 months at least.Ah fuck,Im annoying myself..I should go do something constructive with my time. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 23rd, 2006
9:53 am	Kels life Yeah A new day. Placement in 2 days.OMG! I am totally freaking out about all this.It is soo scary. Christian called me like 4 times last night actually I think it was 5. I tried to get him to tell me he felt something more for me but he wouldnt. I said your just telling me what you wana hear cus its right but I dont think you really believe it. Anywayz he told me last time that if he was single he could see something happening netween us two but his not. i dont know why I continue to talk to him,he said if I want him to he will stop calling me if thats going to make it easier on me.But i cant do that.I like him calling more and i enjoy talking to him.I suppose once I start placement I wont have as much time as I do atm. Am taking Betty for lunch at Derrimut hotel at 12.Should be good.I ahve work at 5-30.That should be even more funner. last night was okay. I worked in siberia which is like the furtherest away and my hand was just not up for carrying plates for sum reason.I worked with Tim and Paul. I cant read Paul,duno if his shy or just rude.Tims just shy.But his a nice guy.Prefer luxor then lakesideand just my luck Im working their tonight. Jake told me he was just lying about him kissing some chick that night at the club.Flic went to bang yesterday and picked up some guy right in front of him.I think that is totally rude and insiderate of her and really shows her age and immaturity.I dont care who dumped who,they didnt break up cus he wasnt in love with her anymore,he broke it off cus it just wasnt working.Still it musta really hurt him.I really feel for him right now. I am soo angry and scared and nervous at the same time.I dont want to get in to deep with Christian but what I sense if i dont stop talkin to him now,one day we will meet up.And something will happy,and then it will just continue to go on. And i said to myself I will never let myself get involved with someone who is taken cus it is just so very wrong.But how do I stop it.How do I pull away now?? Like he makes comments that if we were to meet up would I be able to withhold myself.And I said yeah of course.Like wtf do u take me for?? I wouldnt kiss him unless he kissed me.I think his just loving the attention atm.And if I dont show him I care he will just back off.I need to take this awful colour off my nails,tis horrible now,Im gona go make some breaky for I am hungry,Needa do exercise,my stomach needs to be toned (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 22nd, 2006
9:20 am	ME! First day of...well..I dont have to worry about homework at all this week.Just fix up a few things before I start placement and shall be fine. Other then that,today I am going to enjoy * visiting my brother *walking around niddree,no need for rushing *read a book *walk my dog *wash my car WOW..feels nice not to have homework on that list Christian called me again last night at 1-30 in the morning,I didnt answer,he called me again.He messaged me twice after that.Maybe he was drunk by then.Im not sure. Bloody males.I bet if he was single I wouldnt want him as much (Comment on this)
Friday, July 21st, 2006
5:38 pm	HELP! I like him and he fucking knows it.So he continues to call me to make it worse. Ur getting married.Why dont u stay the fuck away!!! (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 20th, 2006
11:07 pm	I promise i promise So I was doin well foodwise and all..Like no caffiene,stopt the fucking junk food aswell,Till today,went out to dinner for marys birthday,ate sooo much and ate dessert,went home and had lollies and peanuts and burger rings and just crap.I feel soo fat.Just like Ive ruined the past week eating well.Im sooo angry at myself right now.I know that ill feel totally crap after eating yet I do it anyway,u would think that I would learn but yet I never seem too. I got a call from Christian today,wanted to see how the car was doing.Such a bad liar.He says he doesnt like me and his sorry he gave me the wrong idea.Yet he wont stop calling or msging me.And he wants to be friends.Surely u would totally fuck a gurl off who u know likes u and could cause trouble between u and ur women.I wonder wat his fiance looks like.he calls her his gf but he never talks about her.I should ask him. He wants to set me up with his friends.Lol.Not that I have anytime for it but Im up for it.How bad could it be I guess.Single guys these days r usually not the good ones.The good ones r taken. Last day of tafe tomoz...3 days off well apart from work saturday and sunday night and then placement.I should be on holidays on...u know me..I always want to do things quickly and i dont care bout my health. I am sooo burnt out as of lately.Always soo tired.I am going to be sooo horrible at this job if Im tired all the time.I should go get some sleep,even though I dont start class til 10-30 tomoz,maybe I can get up heaps early and go for a walk.Doubt it,dont see that happening.Im gona crawl into bed though cus I feel shit. (Comment on this)
Monday, July 17th, 2006
9:28 pm	duno why I bother Thinking about placement.I start in a week! FUCK!I am soo not ready for this.Are they gona shove me in a corner and xpect me to cope okay or give me my own little desk and give me jobs and hard tasks.Im so confused.Complicated.Exhausted.Im trying so hard.But i ate alot today.I know I shouldnt have,think its cus i got my period.I must buy a bag this weekend.To take with me on placement,to put my lunch and my books in.man i am sooo scared.FUCK FUCK FUCK! SCARED! I hate males.All of em.Darren and christian,eeekkk that guy annoys me now.I dont feel upto typing so i duno why i am.Bloody,fuck it (Comment on this)
9:23 am	Ewww im so white!! Fuck.I hate being so white,i just realised how bad it totally is. I need to take my car in this morning,gotta be there in an hr or so.Am not lookin forward to seeing Christian,how fucking embaressing its gona be.Man i feel like sucha turd. Jake and Flic broke up.Maybe now he can live his life,the one he wanted to live. I feel sick.Must be getting my period.But Darrn,Gayle and Cammy are all sick so I might have caught it from them when I went over before.I wnder how much he will give me for my bonnet protector.I need to call and ask how much the dash mat is.Fuck I am going to be so poor.I bought two pairs of boots yesterday,couldnt help myself.No coffee has boosted my energy levels and kept my mood more stable which is good. I dont feel as tired as I usually do,cept for Saturday before work.Onli cus I hate it but I refuse to turn to chocolate or coffee or alcohol to stimulate me or ease my stress. I have been 7 days without junk food so far,Ive done well.So very proud of myself.Its becoming easier. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 16th, 2006
9:06 am	Day off So work pissed me off yesterday I went in and realised it was just a small night,like a lilttle crew of us.BUT! I had nine tables and worked my ass off,let me tell you. So glad to get home I was though. So today,hoping to be my day off but I will work on my Work With Clients as its due this Friday. Meeting Shureeka At 12 to do sum shopping. Meeting Maurice for dinner hopefully and a movie.MAybe just a movie. Was thinking about Christian,dont ask me why.Kinda upset I havent heard from him.But that would be xpected. Havent heard from Darren either but that doesnt bother me cos it makes it a hell of alot easier on me.Never liked his family much anyhows. And must call Betty and have a chat.Was going to see if she wanted to do sumthing Monday night after work but i dont think i can hack 3 movies in one week. Didnt eat anything after 6 last night so Ive done well.Weather is the shithouse at the moment but I must work,the need to work is crazy.My toe is fucked.Stupid drunk teachers! Anyhows gotta make a list of shit to buy today or else Ill leave hp without it. BYESS (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 15th, 2006
6:13 pm	Wieght loss So I finally had the courage to jump on the scales today,they said 52.I was expecting sumthing like 56 or watever but was really shocked but happy with 52.Wow.I have been drinking alot of herbal tea as of lately,cutting down on coffee and food.Havent been exercising as much as I would have liked but I will try exercise tomorrow.Got work in 20 minutes,thats pretty much exercise enough.Unless I come home and eat.Last night I ate very little.Nothing fattening either.Havent been eating lollies or chocolates or anything high in fat.I wanna get down to 50 at least.That would be nice and then try to maintain it,if I need to,lose some more.When I got down to 47 I looked yuk thou so stay above that for sure. Havent heard from darren but that makes things alot easier,maybe he is sleeping with Tony,hahaha. My olds come back tuesday.Dont have much planned for the next few days.Shopping,dinner and a movie,gota take my car back monday morning,have gotta go to work monday and tuesday arvo.And figure out if this advocacy is done or not. Other then that....hehehe..I plan to relax next weekend.Apart from work,just do no fucking study for 3 whole days.And love it! Hope I finish early tonight.Can just tell Im going to have a bad night like I did last weekend.I fucking hate my boss.FUCK FUCK FUCK. Im dying gayles hair dark brown.It will look awesome I reckon. if she got a t an and lost some wieght,she'd be hot.She got a cut but maybe its to short. Anyhows back to gettin ready for work.Wanna get up earlier tomoz so I can do my hair and walk if it aint raining. Bye Byes (Comment on this)